the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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