Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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