Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
