I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize