did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
