ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
