My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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