My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just invented taco cereal.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
