I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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