i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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