I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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