I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
