They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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