Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
