I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
