Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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