I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
