Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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