I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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