i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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