My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I met the friendliest cop last night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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