I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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