you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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