im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So much rum. So many feels.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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