No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
