Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
