The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize
