I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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