what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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