I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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