please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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