apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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