WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
