I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
