what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
not ubering you a puppy
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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