Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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