Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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