I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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