This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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