You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I wish there were birth control emojis
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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