Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
