watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
