Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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