Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
