I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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