nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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