I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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