He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
