I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize