Cold hands, warm shart.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
