Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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