U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
