My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
