dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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