Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
