i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
