Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
