someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
