You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
