So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
