I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
