textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
