I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize